


Everything John Watson Ever Needed to Know About Sex, He Learned by Watching Porn

by ChrisCalledMeSweetie



Series: How Could John Watson Possibly Be Bad in Bed? [2]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Humor, M/M, don't try what you see in porn at home
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-16 20:54:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14173194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChrisCalledMeSweetie/pseuds/ChrisCalledMeSweetie
Summary: Young John Watson takes his big sister Harry's advice in an unexpected direction, with disastrous results.





	Everything John Watson Ever Needed to Know About Sex, He Learned by Watching Porn

**Author's Note:**

  * For [May_Shepard](https://archiveofourown.org/users/May_Shepard/gifts), [JamiAlexandra7](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamiAlexandra7/gifts), [Glowbunny1](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glowbunny1/gifts), [satan_in_a_tea_cup](https://archiveofourown.org/users/satan_in_a_tea_cup/gifts), [DaisyFairy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaisyFairy/gifts), [Iwantthatcoat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iwantthatcoat/gifts), [SincerelyChaos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SincerelyChaos/gifts), [Deconblus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deconblus/gifts), [weneedtotalkaboutsherlock (Paradoxe1914)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paradoxe1914/gifts), [solrosan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/solrosan/gifts), [shiplocks_of_love](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiplocks_of_love/gifts), [Kestrelwing64](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kestrelwing64/gifts), [PatPrecieux](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PatPrecieux/gifts), [redbuttonhole](https://archiveofourown.org/users/redbuttonhole/gifts), [NovaNara](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NovaNara/gifts), [lmirandas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lmirandas/gifts), [rioroth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rioroth/gifts), [chinike](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chinike/gifts), [Irrevocably_Sherlocked](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irrevocably_Sherlocked/gifts), [nappyfro81](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nappyfro81/gifts), [Sabrina_Phynn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sabrina_Phynn/gifts), [enjoytheobsession](https://archiveofourown.org/users/enjoytheobsession/gifts), [CobSandwich](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CobSandwich/gifts), [hubblegleeflower](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hubblegleeflower/gifts), [Sherlycakes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sherlycakes/gifts), [starrysummernights](https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrysummernights/gifts), [tehanu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tehanu/gifts), [bubblesbythebeach](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubblesbythebeach/gifts), [HamishWH](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HamishWH/gifts), [theleftpill](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theleftpill/gifts), [thegingerintheback (CdnGingerGirl)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CdnGingerGirl/gifts), [SarahTheCoat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SarahTheCoat/gifts), [Arolynne](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arolynne/gifts).



> This long-awaited sequel to Three Continents, No Compliments is actually a prequel. If you've been wondering how the John Watson in that story could possibly have been so bad in bed, you're about to find out.

Everything John Watson ever needed to know about sex, he learned by watching porn.

 

It all started when Harry came out. Fourteen year old John looked on in awe as his seventeen year old sister paraded a string of girlfriends past him. Each one was more attractive than the last, and they all seemed to be completely enamoured with Harry. 

 

How did she do it? John could barely get a girl to talk to him, much less date him. He had to learn his sister’s secret, so he screwed up his courage and asked.

 

“How come all these girls are into you, and no one’s into me?”

 

Harry laughed in his face. “Maybe because you’re a spotty little nobody with a personality like wet socks, while I’m gorgeous and popular and know how to show a girl a good time.”

 

John ignored his sister’s familiar barbs, and persisted. “But aren’t like 90% of girls straight? Shouldn’t that give me a better shot?”

 

“Oh, Johnny, almost everyone’s at least a little bit bi. Girls might be interested in what you’ve got between your legs (though I can’t imagine why) but you don’t have the faintest idea about how to turn them on.”

 

“And you do?”

 

“It’s a well-known fact that girls are better kissers than boys. And women know what women want.”

 

“And what’s that?”

 

“That, Johnny, you’ll have to find out on your own. I’m certainly not letting you watch _me_ with a girl, you little perv.”

 

John mimed sticking his finger down his throat and puking, to show his sister how much he was **_not_** into watching her have sex.

 

The idea stuck, though. If John wanted to be able to pull like Harry (and he did!) then he’d have to figure out what girls liked. Of course he wouldn’t watch his sister — that was just creepy — but she wasn’t the only lesbian in the world. He knew there was an “adult” shop nearby. Maybe he could find some lesbian porn there.

 

Unfortunately, being only fourteen, and looking even younger, John could not gain admittance to the “adult” shop. Fortunately, though, he found a skip out back in which an old VHS tape had been discarded. _Loose ’n’ Lusty Ladies._ Score! 

 

It was nearly a fortnight before John had the house to himself and dared to watch the video. Only the first few minutes were viewable — the rest of the tape was warped, which explained why it had been tossed out with the rubbish. Those first few minutes were a revelation to John, though.

 

He stared at the screen in fascination as two women kissed. These kisses were nothing like the ones he’d previously seen on TV or in films. The women’s mouths were wide open, their tongues stretching out to lick at each other. John’s own mouth was hanging open as he watched.

 

Soon, the women began tearing each other’s clothes off. In seconds, both were naked. They tumbled onto the bed and slotted their legs together, humping each other’s thighs, apparently in the throes of ecstasy.  

 

Here, the video became too distorted to see, so John rewound it and watched the beginning again. And again. And again…

 

After a year of furtive re-watchings, John was sure he had memorised exactly what women liked. Buoyed by this confidence — and having finally hit a growth spurt, as well as having discovered a new brand of spot cream that actually worked — John was ready to try out his technique on real, live girls. To his delight, for the first time in his life, John was able to pull.

 

For the next twenty years, John had no trouble getting women — and, occasionally, men — into bed. If they never stayed more than one night, well, he wasn’t bothered. He measured his success by the number of notches on his belt buckle — a number that grew exponentially, and eventually included conquests on three continents. 

 

Three Continents Watson: that’s what his mates called him. John considered himself a world-class lover. And he’d learned everything he needed to know by watching that one brilliant piece of porn.

 

At least, John thought he’d learned everything he’d ever need to know about sex. 

 

Then he met Sherlock…

**Author's Note:**

> I'm gifting this fic to all of the lovely readers who left comments on Three Continents, No Compliments, and who have been waiting (patiently, I hope) for a sequel. I hit a bit of writer's block - unable to figure out what would happen next - until I realized that I first needed to go back and explain (to myself, as well as to you) how the John Watson in that story could possibly have been so bad in bed. Now that the backstory is in place, I'm hoping to find the inspiration for a proper sequel - in which John learns how to be the skillful and attentive lover Sherlock deserves.
> 
> Kind comments and kudos make me smile. :)


End file.
